unlovable

the last couple of days ive discoverd that im actually not that unlovable. i try to make myself unlovable to lots of people inclueding god, but thanx to a very close mate of mine who basicly shouted at me down the phone ive come round a bit. i just get a bit down about it sometimes.

i make myself unloveable to people for all sorts of reasons, but i think its a defence mechanism against people i dont know/like very much. but i have to keep realising that god loves me as do other people. i just put others i like so high above me that i cant reach them. then i start thinking about how crap i am and it all just sprials into stupidity. its annoying coz i keep haveing such a low selfesteem of myself, i know about it i know its really unhelpful, but i cant help it.

lent

pants i just wrote this but got disconnected. grrrrr........!!!!!!

so lent ive got alot of friends who have given stuff up for lent. i think thats its all a bit religious, and fashionable. ive never done it. but the last few days ive been thinking about it. and i came up with the concluesion that lent ultimately should bring you closer to god. so im gona try and stop doing stuff for a week that i know is wrong and im gona try reading my bible every morning. i aint been very close to god at all the last few months so i gotta try and do something about it. i still aint doing lent but this is gona be a bit like a more god devoted period of time for a week. just to see how things go. may need alot of prayer from others to help me with this. but if it gets me back on the road of being closer to god then its got to be a good thing!

valentines day

well here it is again woohoo another lonely valentines day. but this year i actually sent one. it was to a ver sexy lady friend who i like very very much. i thought id pop round and put her card through the door and leave some flowers on the door step. but when i got there her lodger was there, so i decided to ask her to put them on her bed for me, just as i said that she pulls into her driveway DOH!!!!! i nearly shit meself. she sadi hey and chatted through her car window for a minuite, and i caught a wry smile on her face as her house mate ran inside the house rather unconspicuosly with a bunch of flowers and a card. she invited me in for coffee but i made up some excuse that i had to go for a meeting at church. oh man i hope she likes me. its not been long since her last relationship so....grrrrrr argh....!!! oh boy. im well nervous now oh well nothing ventured nothing ganed.

well we spent the rest of the night in a txt conversation. and basicly she dont want anything to do with anyone at the moe, but wants to stay close to me. sigh.........oh well see what happens huh?

churchy awkward stuff.

duno if its just me but on mornings like this morning(sunday) sometimes i get a bit funny about going to curch. like its mostly twee people and seeing people that i wouldent normaly want to see. sometimes im talking to someone in church and its like im thinking i dont actually want to be friends with you. is that a wrong thing to think? or is there sposed to be a certain level of tolerance within the familly of christ? i duno. i guess i just get annoyed at how some people whove been ther 5 mins can get so pally with others in the church that i haven and ive been there years. also the little social exclusive groups are annoying. they all hangout in thier little clicks and it well buggs me. well i gotta get ready to go.

babysitting

well tonight is my first attempt at baby sitting. im baby sitting for my friends mark and naiomi, talk about jumping in at the deep end im baby sitting a 2 monthish old baby! shes quite happily sleeping at the moe so all is safe. she is very cute. im sure all will be fine.plus i get to very cheackly use their broadband connection he he he. today has been a little dull. have been working away in worthing and it was quite boring. my eyes and hands are sore at the moe coz of my excima. am going to doctors tommorrow to try and get something for them. oh well (goes to check on sprog.........................................all is fine shes gurggleing cutly in her sleep) laters blog.

keefs guff

after much deliberation and loads of haelp from nyfc forum buddies the advertisment of my new blog is complete woohoo!!!

my first blog

well here we go i duno how this is gona go but ill have a go at it. blog entry number one, my technological evolutoin has taken another step forward ermmmm.............what else to say..........aha! will post blog addresse on yfc forum so people can veiw it that'l be good.